Good Morning

24th March 2012

Post

The day my world changed….

July 16th, 1978 is a day that is burnt into my soul eternally. The image of my Mother’s body writhing in pain as she suffered a massive coronary, the sounds of my fathers guttural screams, the fireman that pulled me from my home so that I would not see them as they cut open my mothers chest in an attempt to save her life. When I close my eyes I visualize every agonizing detail of that evening as if it happened today. My best friend, my world, inside of a feisty 4’11” package, laying there dyeing as I watched, desperately wanting to save her. The first time in my young life that I felt completely helpless. I remember standing outside looking up to the heavens, the night sky unusually bright speckled with a million stars, praying. God did I pray. Strangely enough my prayers were not what someone may have expected of a sixteen year old teenage girl. I did not pray for my Mother to live, I prayed that if my mother was going to be in a vegetative state or if her quality of life wasn’t going to be what she deserved, to take her. Do not let my Mother suffer anymore. She suffered her entire life with heart disease often limiting what she could do, affecting her quality of life. My Mother was a beautiful soul. She embodied all that was good in my world. How could I be so selfish in my prayers to just blatantly ask God for her to stay without caring what her quality of life would be? I could not. I was my Mother’s daughter. She taught me to be strong, to be mindful of how my actions would affect others. Consequently I prayed for her, sincerely for her, not for what  I wanted. As I write this I am overcome with the weight of the unbearable pain I felt that day. The truth is that my Mother had laid the foundation for my life long before that day. Every day of my life she was a strong, loving presence. She still is. There are some things death does not change. She had taught me long before that fateful day in July all the life’s skills that I would ever need. I received more from my Mother in the short time I had her than most do in a lifetime. My Mother’s strength, passion, compassion, fire is all inside of me. As I stood there praying to God, remembering what she had said to me right before she passed, all the loving words she needed to convey because she was aware of the fact she was dying and needed to express to me how deeply she loved me. I treasure those words. When my family walked in, I knew she was gone. At that second I wanted to go with her. I could not even remotely comprehend being here without her. How? It wouldn’t be possible. At that moment it was as if my mother was there with me, holding my hand, telling me she would be with me eternally, she just would not be there physically. I needed to summons every ounce of strength I had. My life has been a journey with many hurdles I have needed to overcome. I have always followed my heart in every aspect of my life. I never once followed the crowd, often standing alone defending what I believe in. The fact that I have had the strength to live in such a way, not bending under the weight of the pressures of society I attribute to my Mother. My ability to be compassionate, to put others before myself, that I appreciate the simple pleasures in life all stem from her ever present nurturing. My precious, amazing, loving Mother who loved me with every fiber of her being.  Still to this day I march to the beat of my own drum. I am 49 years old, I have raised two children and I am changing my whole life. I am in college following my dreams because it’s time to do so now. I do not let other’s fears affect my decisions. I am aware that people have a tendency to impose their fears by being negative. When someone tells me I am too old to go to college, too old to start over, I smile, tell them it’s their opinion then say a silent prayer for them. I have done what was expected of me. I took care of my children surviving in a shark tank otherwise known as corporate America. Now I have jumped off the proverbial cliff and I am soaring. Where I will land I do not know. One thing I am certain of, wherever I land I will be a healthy, happy, balanced woman who will help others to become the best they can be. The reason I can do that is because of the nurturing that I was blessed with given to me by my wonderful Mother, Jeanette Coluccino.